I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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