Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
