i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
