Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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