My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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