my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
