Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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