What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
