I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
