guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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