My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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