The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
