I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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