I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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