How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just forgot I was standing up.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wear drunk well.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
