census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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