Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
