I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
