I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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