I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
