I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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