Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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