the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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