This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
