Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
