Do you still have your period?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
