i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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