Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize