Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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