I've blown a few things in my day
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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