I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
