i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize