dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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