just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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