1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
