i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
