You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
