Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
