how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
