We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
