Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
