so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
