if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
