my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
even my farts smell like vagina
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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