I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
