I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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