i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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