oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
