in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
