Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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