On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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