hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
im having a threesome with these popsicles
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize