I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
