What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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