I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's rum buckets o'clock
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
