I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
