I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
