I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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