Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
