Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
