come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
