I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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