It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
