I'm so fucking centered right now
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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