Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
