Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
