Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize