somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
